|
| "God will make you look ridiculous in order to give you the miraculous"
a few weeks ago i decided to completely stop pursuing a career in PR. well, i allowed myself to admit that it was not what i wanted to be doing anymore. I suppose God had been trying to tell me this for quite some time, but I'm stubborn and it has taken me quite a while to just stop fighting him on it. I tried to be quiet about it knowing damn well that people would start with the questions. questions i didn't have answers to. well, i did have answers, but the answers didn't really make sense. none of this really makes sense in a human way and therefore the only thing i really have to rely on is for God to make sense of it all. ha. writing it out makes it seem so easy, when this is seriously the hardest thing for me to do in my life.
while i applied for dream job positions and admitted to a critical audience, my mother, the new things i wanted to pursue, i was reminded that i might have to start from the bottom up on this one. i literally cringed at the very thought of it. i don't do that. well, i never had to do that and i guess God decided it was about time i learned. she said something about how God was holding out on blessing me with a job because my pride was getting in the way. a pride that chased titles. a pride that made me define who i am based on others opinions and thoughts. a pride that listened to too many voices. a pride that needed to go away in order for me to move on.
so i got over myself and said to hell with what everyone else thinks and within a few days i found myself employed at a bakery. a bakery that isn't really my style, but will allow me to learn and bake and decorate and design packaging and be happy. a pay rate that is quite minimum, but is a lot better than the lack of income i have now and God knows my needs and seriously, He provides. a job that isn't forever, that is a bus stop to the greater things out there. oh, and that pride? the very last ounce i had of it was stomped on the minute i was given my uniform.
it is bright pink. bright freakin pink. i like pink, but a bright pink
button up shirt? i smiled politely and took it from her hands and then
she told me that this was just something to wear in the mean time until
these came in. these being the scariest things i've ever seen in my
life. pink and white stripes. ruffles. white puffy sleeves. freakin
ruffles. floral print that should've died decades ago. she looked for a
reaction and all i could do was smile and say "oh! those are fun and
playful!" i'm so glad i know how to b.s. my way through things.
over dinner a family friend said "God will make you look ridiculous in order to give you the miraculous." it boggles my mind to think of how miraculous His work and blessings will be because i will look absolutely ridiculous. eh, it's just a uniform and when looking at the grand scheme of things, it is quite dumb to dwell on something so small compared to all of the great things that are going on.
did you ever think i'd be wearing pink and working at a bakery? yeah, me either. He's funnier than all of us combined.
| | |
| (taken from an e-mail i sent out today)
This year, sparked by the craziness of life itself, I decided to
take a different approach in preparing for Easter. While on a retreat this past
weekend, I had a lot of thoughts, questions and feelings and wanted to write it
all down. Instead of taking the private journal route, I created a blog, not
only for me to document my quest in finding God again and happiness that goes
beyond instant gratification, but with the intention of learning from others
through their insight and wisdom.
In one way or another, years ago or
recently, you guys have encouraged me in regards to my faith and I thank you so
much for that, especially during the times when it was not a priority. So, I
hope you guys share this transition and steps towards a new beginning with
me...
Http://startingfromtheinsideout.blogspot.com
I'll probably post on here too. below is the first/intro entry:
i'm never any good with lenten sacrifices. seriously, remember that one time a few years ago that i gave up drinking and accidentally
found myself with a margarita in my hand the next day? to me,
sacrificing without gain just because someone tells me to do so,
doesn't make much sense. so i took past failures of apathetic
sacrifices as a cue to figure out what would actually make sense in
this time of preparation for easter and growing in faith.
this
year, my lenten sacrifice is all about what is on my heart, which has
been trying to find happiness through more than just instant
gratification. but i thought about it a bit more and decided that
stopping at a promise to pray more, read the bible and go to church
isn't enough for me. i'm spending 40 days listening, reading,
questioning, learning and seeking things that relate to all aspects of
faith and internal happiness and blogging about it.
i thought
about what the blog's name would be for a few days and nothing stuck
until we were singing "from the inside out" at a service tonight. after
worship the pastor mentioned how from the inside out is what our
worship should be like. something along the lines of how it is one
thing to have thoughts about God (to keep them inside), but it is too
great to just leave it as thoughts and we should exclaim it and get it
out there. i toyed with the idea of this blog and at first thought i
should keep it private, then i thought maybe public and anonymous and
then i decided it would be public and attached to my name. not to
boast, not to preach, but to share in hopes that maybe you would have
something to share with me.
once i got really excited about the
name, i came home and tried to set it all up. of course,
fromtheinsideout.blogspot.com was taken and i was forced to think of
other names. i added "starting" to the beginning of it just to register
the blog and then i realized "starting from the inside out" is quite
reflective of where i think i'm at in faith and life in general. it's
about getting right inside before i go around saying, doing and
claiming. it's about learning what i'm really getting into and
documenting all that i'm thinking and feeling. it's a reminder of how
absolutely human i am, of where i came from and how i know that is a
huge part of where i'm going. this is a transition for me, it's the
start of something new and i'm really glad that 1. i'm here doing this
and 2. that i get to share it with others.
| | |
| "you can't come in contact with God and not be changed"
while the decision to change can be sudden, i've learned that in order for it to stick, the actual act of changing is gradual and constant.
i rarely talk about faith based things aloud, because for the most part, i am sooo not in a place to be preaching. but of all the things i heard last night, that was what stuck with me today and i had to write it somewhere, just in case i need to be reminded.
| | |
| back to the drawing board. isn't that what new years are supposed to do? make us assess life and realize where we need to make changes to better ourselves? well, during my assessment, after the boy purge of 2008 and admitting that getting serious romantically still freaks me out, i decided to get serious about adult things.
i love my job. i love its flexibility, my bosses and the work i do. however, at my age and position in life, the flexibility isn't really needed and therefore turns into inconsistency. oh, and believe it or not, i'm really starting to miss having benefits. who would've thought that i'd admit to needing health insurance?
i've strayed away from full-time permanent positions because i felt like i never wanted to stay here, but my current situation prohibits me from being financially able to ever make a move to somewhere else. and while in chicago i pretty much figured out that being in california does not equal being trapped. chicago still exists, a huge chunk of my heart will always be there, my friends are still my friends and life is constantly changing. it is more than okay to be here. plus, i really want to be able to be there for my sister during her first year of college. i might not have really needed anyone, but when i did my extended yfc family definitely took care of me. my sister doesn't really have that and she'll look for real family and while my grandma and extended family will still live here, i think it'd be nice to be an older sister figure. just in case she needs it.
so i'm job hunting again and am possibly looking for things in a similar but different direction. yes, i will pray about it and trust God and all of that great stuff. but at the same time i'm kind of saying "hey! look! i'm cooperating this time. i will try not to be stubborn and am open to new ideas. i trust that you'll take care of me, so please let it be something solid because i'm really really tired of searching."
| | |
| last night made me really happy. i love reunions. i've decided that crisa is probably my favorite person to get the dancing started and that lenes makes horrible jager bombs. | | |
|
